What not to say to complete strangers

graphLast night, out of the blue, I remembered something that I haven’t thought of in years. Let me take you back to my college days…

My roommate and I were sitting in the living room of our apartment passing the bong back and forth, trying to solve the Wheel of Fortune puzzle, when the phone rang.

A familiar-sounding male voice asked to speak to me. I placed him right away – it was Justin, a friend of mine. (Here’s where I pause for the cause and offer up a bit of background info: Justin was a great guy with a big heart. He was laid back, funny and super easy-going, and we clicked from the get-go. I always felt completely at ease when I was around him – able to be my normal, vulgar self.) Before I could answer him, he introduced himself as Brian, said he was calling from a major credit card company and explained that he had a fabulous offer lined up for me. I chuckled softly to myself – Justin was just the kind of guy who would call pretending to be a sales rep.

I waited until he was finished his little spiel. “Well, Brian,” I said facetiously, “She can’t come to the phone right now – she’s in the next room having hot,rough sex.”

Silence. I heard my roommate sharply suck in her breath and was immediately flooded with a sinking feeling: I’m not talking to Justin.

“Uh, well, uh…” he stammered. “Uh, I guess, uh, we can call back another…”

I hung up and started dialing Justin’s number.

My roommate started to say something to me but I held up my index finger without looking at her. “Hang on,” I said, listening to Justin’s line ring.


“Dude, did you just call me?”

“Heeeey, Kdawg,” he drawled.

Did you just call me?”

“No,” he said slowly. “What’s up?”

Fuck. “What are you doing?”

He laughed. “Talking to my girlfriend.”

Fuck! Fuck! “How long have you been talking to her for?”

“Like, half an hour…why?”

I clasped my hand over my mouth. “Fuck! Now that I think about it, that guy didn’t sound more than nintee…oh my god,” I groaned.

Justin was still laughing when we hung up. I put the phone on the coffee table and stared at it for a minute, then looked over at my roommate. “What were you going to say to me?”

A slow grin spread across her face. “That guy’s been calling here for you since yesterday,” she said.